Originally Posted 10/5/2020 (Updated 6/21/22) By Meghann Bierly
Now that we understand just a few of the many adaptations and unique characteristics that have helped sharks to survive so many challenges, threats, and environments in their 400 million years, let's discuss how we may be able to learn some skills more applicable to our current challenges.
As we discussed last time, forward movement and propulsion…
In these trying times we have choices. We can look forward and choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time. Or, we can get stuck in the net of overwhelming stress and what ifs.
What does Mommy* Shark do?
A shark does not stop, a shark keeps moving forward to breathe and to survive. This is so important that sharks do not even have the ability to swim backward.
So why do we feel the need to constantly be going back and rethinking?
What can be gained from going backward?
What are we looking for by going backward?
Even if we look back for a moment to reflect, time continually moves forward and so must we.
Taking small moments in time, maybe by day, maybe by hour, or even maybe only by minutes, we can set a plan with our goals in mind.
Let's look at a common concern I have heard echoed in disguise as a goal, “I have to make sure my children didn’t fall behind while remote learning.” This goal is BIG and not really measurable for success.
What does fall behind mean?
Behind, what or whom?
We have all experienced the effects of a global pandemic, who or what are we in fear of being behind?
So let's reframe and keep moving forward. The big goal may be, “I want to support my children during remote learning.” A small attainable goal for today that you can accomplish and that supports your big goal may be, “Today, I am going to read together for 20 minutes with my children.” This example touches on several of the key components that we must keep in focus as we move forward during this time to support our children prior to setting expectations for academic growth. Before we can expect growth academically we must meet a child’s physiological needs, safety and security, and belonging. When we curl up with a book together, we are usually warm and secure with our physical needs met, we are connected to each other and attending to each other's psychological needs during this time. We are meeting the needs of ourselves and our children simultaneously, which will help provide the stability we are all looking for to continue moving forward during this challenging time.
If we are to keep moving, how do we stay afloat? How will we maintain movement forward and not lose our balance? We are looking for stability in a world that currently feels very unstable. Can we create stability? Can we cultivate stability for our children? Can we find it within ourselves, develop our own fins to stay afloat and upright?
The dorsal fin on the back of a shark provides balance. What helps you to feel balanced?
When waves and challenges feel overwhelming or feel like they are coming from all sides, what helps you stay afloat and upright?
Let’s break it down with an example, “I am working from home, facilitating remote learning, trying to keep my family fed (and house stocked with essentials), keep bills paid, stay connected and check in with friends and family, manage socially distant interactions, define family rules for interaction, define safety practices for our family, read and listen to current data on the virus, understand guidelines and recommendations for safety….” [take breath]. You get the idea, we all are juggling so many responsibilities and trying to manage the health, safety, and well being of our families in addition to the various roles and responsibilities we already managed prior to March 2020. How do we find balance when all of these tasks are important?
We start with a deep breath, become aware of what is coming at us and around us, and then we adjust, adapt, and continue to move forward.
We can define our fins and how they will help us achieve balance and support our forward movement. My dorsal fin during this time consists of grace for myself and others, and small goals. When I use my dorsal fin to help achieve balance and keep afloat I may tell myself, “I am going to be flexible, as we are all finding a new way to work and parent in a pandemic. We will all make the best decisions we can with the information we have. If the information changes we may make a different choice.” These mantras provide grace for myself as I figure out our plans for future days, weeks, and months for my family. These mantras also remind me that when our employers, our schools, our governments, our friends, our extended families change their behaviors and plans that we are all doing the best we can with the information we have. The other key component is the expectations and acceptance of change. If I am prepared for change and expect it to happen at some point, I will stay balanced and afloat if and when it happens. I know things will change as we learn more, I know more waves (information, challenges, etc.) are coming and I am ready to be aware, understand and readdress my plans. I can then take these ideas and develop my small goals.
My small goals get broken down into the roles I have in my life. A few roles I play include mom, wife, educator, home supply chain manager, personal shopper, home custodian, short order cook, counselor, and dog walker. I have to be focused and calm to address school with my daughter, so when I address school I wear my educator (with a feather of mom on the side) hat. I try to leave all other hats aside, if I try to wear several hats at a time I lose my balance (and my patience with myself and with my family). Are there times we need to wear multiple hats at a time? Sure, but we don’t have to wear multiple hats ALL of the time. If we consciously make an effort, we may lessen the weight we feel. We will be able to be aware and present in the moment. How do we set our other hats aside? Maybe we use a schedule, maybe we set timers, maybe we just label what we are doing at the moment.
Let's break it down with an example: I have a work call at 10:30 (scheduled for an hour), my daughter has a zoom meeting at 11:00, and her lunch break between 11:30-12:00 before her next remote class at 12:00. In the morning (or night before) as I look at the schedule while wearing my mom hat I see the challenges that await for my day… I take my deep breath and make a list,
Meeting notes ready for 10:30 meeting
Daughters computer - zoom tab open with meeting link, show daughter the tab and the link she will click on, so that when I am on the call I can nonverbally instruct her to join meeting when the timer I have set for 10:59 goes off.
Cut up veggies and cheese, place in container in fridge, plate with some crackers, water bottle - lunch is served or self served if necessary.
Challenge managed with a plan and to do list, take another deep breath, pour a hot cup of coffee and get started with the day!
UPDATED: June 14, 2022
The challenges highlighted above illustrate the experiences of so many families during the pandemic. Although we are getting back to a sense of normalcy or our new normal, most of us still wear multiple hats in our family. Many of us, including our children, are still challenged to keep up with our routines and schedules. These same ideas and strategies can be applied to many challenges and current challenges you may be facing. I continue to hold the responsibilities in my family as the mom, wife, educator, home supply chain manager, personal shopper, home custodian, short order cook, chauffeur, counselor, and dog walker. The responsibilities in these roles have changed over the last year, I have less time as educator but filled my schedule with more time as head custodian and chauffeur.
I have been practicing being in the present and wearing a hat at a time, not all the hats at the same time. I have been scheduling my tasks, giving me the freedom to be present in the moment with the task at hand. This enables me to keep some of the feelings of overwhelm under control, as I keep focus on the task at hand.
Journal:
Make your list - maybe you want to start with a daily list or a weekly list. Maybe you want to make multiple lists, separated by the different roles or responsibilities you have.
Review your list - is it manageable, is it realistic?
Let’s narrow our focus, look at today. What must get done today? What would you like to get done today? What stays on the list for this week?
In the evening, look at your list again. How do you feel about what you accomplished? Did you celebrate your accomplishments? What was moved to tomorrow or later in the week? Is there anything you would like to do differently another day?
* “Mommy” is used throughout this article but is interchangeable and meant to encompass all roles of any parent, grandparent, caretaker, educator, and/or individual nurturing our children in any way.
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